Thoughts and Emotional Purging of 2018 - A Real WTF Year
2018, what a weird year. My 2018 started off on a great note, and is ending on not such a great one. And by not such a great one, I mean a fiery crash of messy life events beyond my control. Having some HUGE control fallacy issues, I tend to take terrible events out of my control not so well (I’m working on it, kind of). So when the last few months of 2018 began to uncontrollably tank, I went right down with them. When I say tanked, I really mean TANKED. The last few months were those kind of months where people just look at you and say, “wow, you really can’t catch a break can you?” and “boy, I really don’t know what to say except I’m sorry” or they just make some sort of strained sad face at you. These are all expressions you don’t really want to hear or see, because by nature they imply that these terrible events are happening to you for no reasonable reason at all. I began to ask myself a lot of depressing questions such as:
How can a year that started off so perfectly, end so horrifically?
Why does life always seem to break apart just as you thought it was finally coming together?
Did I anger a gypsy at some point who cursed me?
and
How do I continue to find light in all this darkness?
So, I began to really explore and reflect on my year in order to begin the process of healing, and here are my remarkably insightful thoughts.
There was far more light than darkness this year, but that darkness was DARK. For the sake of going into the new year with positive energy, I am doing my best to focus on the light, but obviously I’ll keep talking about the dark because I love complaining and I have some tragically great stories.
To start with the great, it was incredibly great, one of the best, if not the best yet. I had some amazing adventures with my favorite people. Traveling to Austin, Round Top, Todos Santos, Monterey, Napa, Big Sur, Palm Springs, Nashville, Amsterdam, New Hampshire, New York, New York again, and finally Carmel (where I am now). I made huge strides personally and professionally. My therapists seem SUPER proud of me (shout out to Dr. Sunde and Dr. Shurman, I’m still alive, so they are doing something right), and for once in my life I am proud of me too. I’ve done a lot of simple shit I was never able to do before; such as giving apologies (if you haven’t gotten one I will never apologize you fucking asshole), accepting apologies, not yelling at people too much, and pumping gas without feeling too weird. I’ve also done more than I could have imagined professionally; starting EQluxe with one of my best friends, starting this blog with myself, designing incredible events, and finding my confidence as an independent designer.
Okay, so the year doesn’t seem too bad when I write it out, but boy did a LOT of things suck about it. I’ll save those horribly amazing stories for another time, and instead discuss what I’ve taken away from them. This was the the first year I was able to find gratitude in the shit. I learned it is possible to be deeply sad and angry about something ending, while still being able to appreciate and accept the beautiful moments and move forward. I learned that the most important person to be in a healthy relationship with is yourself. I learned that events can be tragic, scary, and hilarious all at the same time. I learned that I have 2 good hours of talking to strangers in me and the I need a nap. I learned that holiday inflatables are one of my least favorite things on earth. And finally, I learned that even the worst moments in a year have something to teach you. As a motivational instagram post said, “You can either be bitter or better”, and I am trying my damndest to be better (but obviously still a little bitter, because being totally better is no fun).