Why I Blocked My Ex
When my therapist began insisting that I block my ex on Instagram I began insisting that she was wrong. She didn’t understand the complex world of social media and it’s implied social cues that us millennials know all too well. I pleaded that me blocking and unfriending my ex would look petty and childish. I would appear to be the one who was desperately heartbroken, not able to catch even a glimpse of his face. It would be too obvious that I was sad, and mad, and then more sad. Now let me be the first to admit - I was wrong.
Following our breakup my ex was watching every single one of my god damn dumb Instagram stories, and I knew it. I always look at who watches my stories (I’m vain), and there was his face and name, every damn time. Slowly, I found myself posting things solely because I knew he was watching. Oh look, here’s me and my adorable dog, here’s me talking so you can remember my voice, here’s my best selfie angle, here’s me living my super happy life with all my friends don’t you miss me??? I would post and post and then wait to see when he watched, and once he watched I’d figure out something else to post, post it, and so on. I desperately wanted him to see how well I was doing, and what a huge mistake he had made. Maybe if he saw enough endearing content of me on Instagram then he would take everything back. It was a very sad version of thirst trap.
One day, with the help of some increased OCD meds, anti psychotics (honestly, how did I even have a boyfriend), and a long talk with my best friend (shout out to Rory, hay girl), I got angry. I got so incredibly angry that I built up the courage to block him. Instead of feeling sad, I felt free. There was an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t have to post for him anymore, I didn’t have to obsessively check for views and comments, I had my life back to myself. I wasn’t filming and photographing every outing I had waiting for a view, I was actually enjoying my time in the moment.
I wish this was where the story ended, with me feeling happy and free, but it’s not (literally of course). After I had blocked his personal Instagram profile and unfriended him on Facebook, I noticed that his business profile was now watching my stories. I did my therapist ordered due diligence and blocked the business profile as well. Everything was quiet until around the New Year. I arrived in Carmel, looked at my views, and noticed, guess fucking who viewing my stories on his band’s profile. To be honest, I freaked out. I had worked so incredibly hard to get over this breakup on my own in the healthiest way I possibly could. I did everything right, I listened to all my doctors and friends, and was moving forward. To be triggered in such a big way was simply frustrating. What I had forgotten is that the only person you can control is yourself. So yes, maybe I am doing everything I can on my end, but that other person may not be. I can block every profile I want (also, three profiles is a lot, the fuck…), leave LA every month, and focus on moving forward, but that doesn’t mean that the other person has just disappeared. They are still there, living his or her life, doing god knows what, and passively stalking your social media.
There are endless reasons why this pisses me off, and I could go on being pissed off about it for a loooonnnggg time, because I am an expert at holding grudges, but lucky for everyone (mainly myself and whoever is out to dinner with me) I am choosing to push forward. As said above, in a breakup the only person you can control is yourself. I’m continuing to do whatever makes me happy, and that’s really all I can do. Yes, I still get sad on some Friday nights, but I “ride the wave” (thanks DBT and Taylor who reminded me that this skill exists) and wake up the next day feeling just fine. I’ve taken back my life in a small way by blocking my ex on social media, and little by little these small personal victories become larger ones. Maybe soon I’ll be able to date someone else and make these mistakes all over again, but for now I’ll keep working on myself.
Here’s a quick PSA to my ex and all the other exes out there: If you want to know how the other person is doing, just fucking text or call, maybe set up a lunch. The cowardice in constant passive social media stalking hurts. Please stop and be a human being.
END RANT.
*cue “Thank You, Next”